I’ve been thinking of writing you a letter since that day in April when we learned of the new journey you chose to take. Obviously, work and other things got in the way, so I guess this will suffice.
I was shocked by the decision you made. Shocked, but not disturbed. Shocked in an amazing, terrifying kind of way. I could only imagine the process you took, the weighing of pros and cons, the self-doubt or the “Can I really do it?” and “Am I ready for this?” phase, and maybe even the grief that motivated you to think of this course in the first place.
I should write a story about you, about how brave you were–are, in fact, because you’re taking this journey on your own now. Not completely on your own, of course. There’s family and friends supporting you, but you know what I mean. There must be some place deep in your heart that longs for someone, The One, to share these moments with you. I know there is. We joke about it a lot and shove the issue under the rug, but I know, and I understand that longing to an extent. It kind of gnaws at your heart some when you’re idle, when you’re about to fall asleep at night, or maybe in your waking hours. I imagine there’d be a dull ache in your chest, a hollow part you feel like smacking a cork into. Someday, I hope that space gets filled. And when it does, I hope that the someone who takes it deserves you.
For now, let me tell you how amazing you are for making this decision. Some people might think it unwise, but I understood completely why you wanted it as much as you did. I have similar dreams too, but I’m not sure I’ll have that chance. It’s not about being ready, because really, no one is completely ready for the big things in life. It’s about knowing in your heart what you really want and standing by it no matter what. It’s about being determined to be worthy of what you wanted, of what life is giving you the chance to experience. That you knew what you wanted and took the chance, that you are determined to show the world that you deserve this . . . that’s what’s amazing, and for that I applaud you.
I may not be very showy, but I support you 100%. And if you’ll take me as godmother, I’d gladly do it.
Take care of yourself well. <3
Way back when we were high school kids–and we talked about this just today, in the wee hours of the morning–we derived certain joys in the simple things. Basketball icons, matinee idols, and other stupid things we’d randomly think of filled hours and hours and hours of conversation, and we’d never get enough. Life was so simple then, and I miss it.
I missed it when you got married, missed it when you had kids of your own, adult responsibilities that transcended the comforts of home. I missed it when we both kind of drifted apart because our professional lives had taken over. (We’re both firstborns; we bore the heavier weight of responsibility on our shoulders. And I’d like to think we did it well.) I missed it when you had to leave the country to give your children a chance at a better, more comfortable future.
I missed it when I saw you heartbroken and crying. I wanted to hug you but didn’t. I know that getting hugged while crying kind of makes you want to cry even more, and I didn’t want that to happen. Not when I saw the heavy bags around your eyes which I felt weren’t there before.
There are times in my life when I seriously wished time machines were a thing. Sometimes, people are asked: “If you had the chance to go back in time, would you change anything?” And they would say “No,” because everything they’d gone through had been character building.
Sometimes I think that’s bullshit. Like now.
Because now I wish we could go back in time and just talk about basketball icons and matinee idols. Now I wish the biggest hurdle we’d have to face is a periodical exam, or a thesis defense. Now I wish our biggest heartbreak involved learning our celebrity crushes had girlfriends.
But time machines aren’t a thing, and, like it or not, you will have to give this time. How much time, no one can say. But I hope you believe me when I say that things will get better. One way or another, you’ll find a way to cope and be stronger. Words aren’t enough now, I know, but this is all I can offer. (And even then I don’t have a real license to give you advice on matters of the heart, so…)
I love you so much, my dear friend. Know that I will be here to listen no matter the time of day.
Stay strong, and remember the things I told you. I’m not telling you to follow them, but consider them at least.
As of this writing, you are already shivering in New Zealand weather and you don’t know how happy I am for you. I have seen how much you love your family, and you flying there is the first step to a better life with them. It’s always so wonderful to know people who get what their heart truly wants, what they truly deserve.
I wrote you a short note with the gift I gave you, but that’s not enough to cover every kind of thanks I wanted to say. Actually, I feel like no amount of words may be enough. We’ve been friends almost ten years now, and even with the age gap, I consider you one of my closest.
Thank you for the times you listened to my stories, may they be about KPop or life events in general. For being patient enough to sit through all those stories, especially with a voice as loud as mine. Thank you for sharing your stories with me too, and making me feel like I’m part of your life and your family.
Thank you for playing pretend we have the most awesome husbands. That was one of the happiest phases of my life because the storyteller in me always needs someone to bounce ideas off of, intentionally or not. We had lots of fun then, didn’t we? Lots of fake but funny stories too.
Thank you for sharing the gift of crafting something out of clay! It had been a lot of fun and we had a lot of bazaar memories, good and bad. I never really thought we could have done all those little things and have people actually buy them but we did, and it’s all because you introduced me to it.
Thank you for being there during the times I felt that life had been unfair, or when I had been angry at people in my life. You were of huge help in my dealing with the situations. It’s always good to know that someone is around to hold you up when you’re at your lowest.
Finally, thank you for putting your entire heart into this friendship and helping to make it last as long as it did. It will last more years, I believe, even if we’re geographically apart. That’s how real friendship is, after all. We don’t need to see each other or talk to each other all the time to be assured we’re friends, but we know that we’ll always be there for each other when one calls for help. Or for a party.
Good luck on your new life in NZ! Send us a lot of cool air, if you could! I love you~ ^_^ <3